The Thief's Guide to the Galaxy
by ghost cooper
Summary: The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy meets the Thievius Raccoonus. Hillarity ensues. Slight SlyCarmelita. Read only if you're seeking large quantities of craziness.
1. Prologue

The Thief's Guide to the Galaxy

By Ghost Cooper

Disclaimer: I don't own Sly Cooper or Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy or any characters thereof, but if I did that would rock!

PROLOGUE

Cast:

Sly Cooper as Arthur Dent

Muggshot as Mr. L. Prosser

Bentley as Arthur's friend Ford Prefect

Jean Bison as the tavern owner

The Volgons as themselves

Inspector Carmelita Fox as Trillian

Dimitri as Zaphod Beeblebrox

Clockwerk as Marvin the robot (note, I made clockwerk smaller and gave him Marvin's personality)

Neyla as the vice president of the galaxy

Prologue

This is not a story of a mystical creature or grand hero, well really it is, but more so about a book, The Thief's Guide to The Galaxy, This book is so miraculous, so full of information that it sells better than any other book in existence, even the encyclopedia theivia galactica, which _was_ famous for it's definition of love: a feeling that happens when two compatible persons meet and decide to become master thieves together. The Thief's Guide to The Galaxy describes it simply as: _DON'T!_ This is also the story of one raccoon from a backwater planet called earth, a raccoon called Sly Dent, and his friend, Bentley, and their amazing trip through the galaxy, and their quest to save the Earth, actually, they have to get the earth back to the way it was.

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	2. The Beginning

Chapter 1

The Beginning

Sly Dent woke up at 8:00 A.M on Thursday morning as drowsy as he ever was on any other day, but, due to the fact that one Mr. M. Prosser wanted to bulldoze Sly's house to make way for a bypass made it unlike any day Sly has ever had. Thirty minuets after showering, having breakfast, and getting dressed, sly was outside his house, cane at the ready as a bulldozer descended upon it. With three swings of his cane, he stopped the bulldozer dead in its tracks, and out of it came Mr. Muggshot Prosser, one very angry bulldog at the time (actually, he's angry all the time). With his prominently huge mustache, oversized arms, and insanely large physique, his upper body looked way too big for his lower half. It was also unknown to him that he was descended by direct male-line to Billy the kid.

"Oh, come off it, Mr. Dent, you had time to make a suggestion at the council office," said Mr. Prosser. "The plans have been on display for months," he continued.

Sly replied, "On display? Eventually I had to go into a cellar with a flashlight and go into an unused lavatory with a sign on the door that said 'beware of leopard'," Mr. Prosser shrugged.

"Look," Sly said, pointing his cane at Mr. Prosser. "The first time I heard about them was when one of your workers came here yesterday. I asked him if he was here to wash the windows. He said no, he'd come to tear the house down, but before he did that he got out a rag, cleaned the windows a bit, then charged me a fiver!" exhausted by his explanation, he leaned on his cane.

In a bout of anger, Mr. Prosser replied, "I don't see why you are all worked up, it's not a very nice house."

"Sorry, but I happen to like it." Sly replied.

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	3. Chapter 2

Sorry about taking a while to get this up, my computer was having some trouble and I had a very long summer vacation.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sly Cooper or Hitchhikers Guide, but if I did, I would publish this.

CHAPTER 2

Now, as Sly stood there, Mr. Prosser had strange visions of Sly's house bursting into flame and Sly hanging by a noose from a nearby tree. He then shook his head, for images like these are, for some reason or another, found floating around his head, especially during times of extreme stress. He proceeded to try and shake the images out of his head. As he did so, a turtle pushing a shopping cart full of cans of beer and bags of honey-roasted nuts, sped into sight. This turtle was Sly's best friend, Bentley Prefect, who was from a planet in the vicinity of the star Sirius, and not southern London. He was also in fact not a possessor of a Ph.D. in demolitions, though pretty close. He was actually a reporter for a most amazing book, a one of a kind book known as… The Thief's Guide to The Galaxy! Allow me to explain. This book once belonged to a race of master thieves who were so…so, well, despised is too strong a term, disliked is too weak a term… well to put it simply, they were loathed, plain and simple, by about…oh I don't know, the entire rest of the galaxy. The reason was that the evil planets that they were robbing blind looked, to the other planets, to be defenseless and weak so as to cover their evil plots. These ruses forced the race into hiding, but before they went underground, they developed a computer able to find the ultimate heist—the most secure, well guarded, and rarest item! This computer was called… The Master Planner! Before the story can go on, remember that the Thief's Guide to The Galaxy is one of a kind and the story of how Bentley Prefect got hold of it is a story that would take way too long to tell at this point in time. All you need to know is that Bentley has it, and updates it with information on new planetary developments including species, items and places worth stealing or stealing from and those you should avoid. He also updates it with police rosters of villains and dangerous officers and planets that made great hideouts. He was currently both on the run from the galactic police force and studying the Earth as a possible intergalactic hideout but he recently found that the planet wasn't going to be around much longer, so he put a note saying to try selling earth dust on the black market. He was also planning to save his very good friend, Sly Dent, which takes us back to the point we left off on, Bentley rushing to prolong the destruction of Sly's house. Long enough to get him off the planet and find a ship to steal. But little did he know that a ship was already being stolen for them. On the other side of the galaxy a ship that was supposedly non-existent ship, a ship known as the Heart of Gold! But let's not get ahead of ourselves, we will get to everything in due time.

Next chapter: Sly learns the truth about Bentley and we meet the president of the galaxy!


	4. Chapter 4

**Today, I shall do my disclaimer in the form of volgon poetry: Oh freddled gruntbookery, oh jugrluly goopspleen, by draktare eroned, if these characters I owned, I would publish thee on a lurgid bee, see if I won't! **

**On a note in honor of the new sly cooper game SLY 3 honor among thieves, I am putting the first villain, octavio, as Prosthenic Volgon Joltz**

**Sorry about the lack of updates, I know I was kind of making it too much like the book. MORE ORIGIONALITY! I promise. Also as of right now, Arpeggio shall play Humma Kavula**

CHAPTER 3

As soon as Bentley reached the site of Sly's house he skidded to a stop and proclaimed "Friends, I bring beer and nuts for you to enjoy!" then started handing out the beer and nuts to the construction workers. As they began to eat and drink, Bentley walked over to Sly and Mr. Prosser and asked "Sly, are you busy at this point?" Sly just stared at him for a moment, and then said with the most sarcasm possible, "Why no, this is the perfect time. I'm just standing here, protecting my house from being demolished, so yeah, now's the PERFECT TIME FOR A CHAT!"

There is no such thing as sarcasm on Sirius 5, so Bentley considered Sly to be serious. "Good, we need to talk, NOW!"

Sly looked at him blankly for a second then said, "But my house," with a look of desperation on his face.

Bentley grabbed Sly and started to drag him away from the bulldozer saying "don't worry, the workers have promised not to destroy your house until they finish the beer and nuts,"

Sly looked up with fear in his eyes and asked, "And you trust them?"

Bentley replied, "Oh I'd trust them to the end of the world."

"Oh," said Sly, "and how long is that?"

After checking his watch he said, "About 13 minuets,"

When they got to the tavern Bentley called, "evening Jean, 6 pints of bitter and hurry, the world is about to end."

The bartender, a surly bison named Jean held out his hand for money and Bentley gave him a fiver. Jean just drew his hand back and stared as if he was going to say "thank you". Instead, he just said, "six pints, coming up." Rather quickly and with more pep than usual.

Upon receiving his drink, Bentley downed his three pints almost instantly. "Drink, you'll need it." Sly looked at Bentley with a quizzical look on his face, "What for?"

"It'll keep your muscles relaxed," Bentley replied. Sly nodded "Oh, why?"

"You'll find out soon enough," Bentley muttered with a distraught look on his face as he checked his pocket ship detector, "Drink up, drink up we got about 5 minuets! Oh and you do have your "you-know-what", with you?" The turtle glanced quizzically at Sly before nearly downing his entire glass. "What, oh that!" Sly said pulling out his most treasured possession The Thievius Racoonous, his family heirloom (I won't bother to go into detail because if you're reading this then you most likely played the games.) Sly never left home without it and his family cane. Especially after the attack by clockwerk on his family when he was a kid, but that was what led to him finding his two best friends in the world, Bentley and Murray, while wondering about Murray, Bentley read his mind and mentioned that Murray knew all about it. This was as Sly didn't know that Bentley and Murray were 2nd cousins thrice removed, sharing 4 of the same mothers. (YAY ORIGIONALITY!) Bentley and Murray had agreed not to tell Sly, yet anyways. Besides, Sly had other things on his mind specifically where Inspector Fox had wandered off to since their last meeting at a costume party Sly had been dressed as the phantom of the opera and Carmelita had come as Nami from One Piece. Just as they were starting to talk however, a gate-crashing lizard by the name of Dimitri swaggered up to Carmelita and said that he found Sly boring and that she should come with him because he was from a different planet. For some reason she was attracted to him and went with him, Sly had never seen her again and thieving was getting boring without her.

Sly was just in the middle of reminiscing when he heard a loud rumble, "THAT'S MY HOUSE!" he yelled as he raced out of the bar. Bentley just drank Sly's beer and then whipped out another fiver and proclaimed, "Bartender, a round of drinks for everybody!" Bison looked even more taken aback and asked, "Do you really think that the world's going to end?"

Bentley replied, "Yes, definitely." Then a random costumer asked, "Shouldn't we put out most prized possessions on our chests?" Bentley explained, "Yes, if you want to," "Will it help?" "Not at all," Grimaced the turtle.

As Sly approached what remained of his house, he was in such a state of shock that he didn't notice the construction workers fleeing for their lives, or the rather large planet destroying space ships descending from the sky right over his head.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

Sorry about the short chapters, but I suffer from acute procrastinators disease.

Sly: it's true he does.

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